The result of more evil online activities on the part of yours truly and Cybermum. If you are offended by unusual uses of coffee, perpendicular sex, or clunker limericks, please stay away. Paramount owns very little of this...

COFFEE...STRAIGHT UP
by Your Cruise Director and Cybermum

One Delta Quad captain particular
Refused to get extracurricular.
Chak got down on his knees
She refused all his pleas
She preferred to remain perpendicular.

Yet so great was her XO's devotion
When he failed to sway her with emotion
He approached her full frontal
And got horizontal
Dripping wet with coffee-flavored lotion.

Our captain had no thought of bed
With her first mate she wanted instead
To just remain friends
'Til their long journey ends
But caffeine made her weak in the head.

She caught on right away to his trick
And although she knew she should drop-kick
Him right onto the floor
And then out the door
She decided to try just one lick.

The innocuous spot that she chose
Was between his two biggest toes.
When she squatted to suck
He smiled at his luck
As she worked her way towards his nose.

Our captain was really quite thorough
Concentration made her brow furrow.
So she missed the "amen"
That left his lips when
In a sensitive spot she did burrow.

Chakotay had been very clever,
Putting extra lotion near his lever
But his plan he did rue
When she started to chew,
And he begged as she bit, "Please don't sever!"

He'd heard a sad tale, don't you see
From the twentieth century
About some man's wife
Who had used a sharp knife...
He was re-attached fortunately.

The captain was enthusiastic
And his member was proving elastic.
Her lips performed feats
That increased his heartbeats
And brought him to a state orgiastic.

"Uh, Captain," he warned with a moan
As she ate him like an ice cream cone,
"I'm enjoying these favors
But you might get mixed flavors:
My control is about to be blown."

Yet Janeway, obsessed with the scent
Of coffee, would not soon relent.
While she sated her thirst
His bubble did burst
For he had been too long abstinent.

The captain would not be diverted,
Nor was she at all disconcerted
That she might seem unchaste
Delighting in the taste
With which she was faced as he spurted.

Although Chak was afraid she would scream
And awake from her caffeine-choked dream,
She smiled as she swallowed
Then with these words followed:
"I often like coffee with cream."

"My Captain," he sighed, quite elated
After his pulse had abated,
"I am much more serene
Now I know that caffeine
Will keep us both sexually sated."

"Now remember Chakotay," she said,
"Don't let success go to your head.
Although you might frown
I still won't lie down."
So he offered her this choice instead:

"If you wish to remain so correct
To this option you might not object
We can still have it all
We'll just lean on the wall
And do it while staying erect."

Janeway sighed as she shifted position
To consider this fine proposition,
For while she liked to stand
When her vessel was manned,
She always had one admonition:

"While your plan fits my rules to the letter,
I fear that my thighs may get wetter
Since there could be drippage
Should there be any slippage,
So as for staying erect, you'd better!"

He greeted these words with a howl
Of laugher and this quick avowal:
"I'll be glad to comply
Or at least I will try
And if not I'll hand you a soft towel."

"Well in that case I hereby suggest
That we give your solution a test."
So she stood up throughout
And proved without doubt
That in no way was she repressed.

Though the scent of Chak's coffee perfume
Now wafts daily from the ready room,
The crew is too yellow
To ask why he's so mellow
And the captain's glowing; they assume

That their brave XO must intervene
And fix her when she's needing caffeine
With his own special blend
That has her on the mend...
Or could be he's feeding her protein.

And if she seems quite aggravated
It's obvious - she is unsated.
Someone on the crew
Must have poured the wrong brew
And given her decaffeinated.

But Chakotay's learned how to delight
His captain when she feels uptight
He can do what he wants
There is no resistance
As long as she's standing upright.