COURTING DISASTER
by Your Cruise Director and Cybermum
There once was a Captain quite able
Who got stuck with a rather sad label
Instead of being bold
She was said to be cold
Was she frigid, or merely unable?
The Doc, a romantic at heart
Who felt he had mastered the art
Of courting did proffer
A generous offer
Of dating advice to impart.
"My captain, my friend, I beseech you,
Techniques of holo-love let me teach you.
By the time we are through,
Any man you might woo
Would streak through the warp core to reach you.
If one on the crew is your prize,
Start with an element of surprise:
Pretend that your fancy
Is caught by one more chancy
But your own true affections disguise.
Another point I'd like to stress
Is the matter of how you should dress.
If you veer from the norm -
Shed the damn uniform -
It might lead to a bit more success.
And if you'd like to make an impact
On the man that you want to attract
I'd suggest that you flirt,
It surely won't hurt
And might lead to the sexual act.
Finally, when you feel at your best
And your skills you are ready to test,
Please let me volunteer
As your Doctor and peer
Test your wiles on me as your guest."
Janeway picked her jaw up off the floor.
"You're suggesting I dress like a whore,
Act lewd with Chakotay,
Make him jealous and stray,
Then date you, my evaluator?"
"Oh Captain, you misunderstand,
I just offered a slight helping hand
To aid you in your quest
I meant not to suggest
I replace your second in command."
"I see," said the Captain, appeased.
"With these pointers I am rather pleased."
Then she asked with a blink
"Do you really think
That Chakotay might like to be teased?"
"Well, I'm told that all men are flattered
By such flirting," the Doctor nattered.
"But since I'm holographic,
I don't get as much traffic
As a human to whom someone mattered."
Janeway blinked at the Doctor's sad state,
And promptly offered to be his date
For the next talent night
Where she'd heard, with delight,
It was Chak's turn to participate.
Well the big night arrived none too soon
And the Doc spent the whole afternoon
Reading up on instructions
For successful seductions
To use in Sandrine's Saloon.
He showed up at his captain's front door
Primed with chapters of dating lore
And affairs of the heart
Which he planned to impart
If his expert advice was called for.
When he saw Kathryn Janeway's attire
He thought he might need a re-wire
Her gown was quite low
He said "Captain, you know
You'll be setting Chakotay on fire."
"Why Doctor," she purred, "may I take it
From your expression - unless you fake it -
That my dress meets approval
And won't warrant removal
Unless I decide to forsake it?"
The hologram gulped. "Captain, truly,
Your basse couture suits you most duly,
But be forewarned, please:
I suspect if you tease,
You may find men becoming unruly."
Janeway mimicked her own famous glare,
Then gave one more pat to her coiffed hair,
Gave her hand to the Doctor
And let her date conduct her
To the holodeck where all did stare.
Chakotay was standing off stage
Rereading his words from the page.
He had need to rehearse
The traditional verse
With which he hoped to engage.
When he heard the crew starting to shuffle
And checked out the cause of the kafuffle
He could only react
As if he'd been smacked
With a strangled cry he couldn't muffle.
The object of his adoration
Who sat in the ship's centre station
Was wearing a frock
That had caused him such shock
It left little to imagination.
Added to this bizarre diorama
(As if he could take much more drama),
Her chosen escort
Of the medical sort
Just deepened this terrible trauma.
"Why there you are, Mr. Chakotay,"
Said the Doc, who started heading his way.
But feeling volcanic,
The XO did panic
At the sight of approaching Janeway.
He bumped into busy Neelix
And said, "My skit I'm going to nix.
I can't go onstage,
For nothing can assuage
My ego." But the acoustics
Of the holodeck were so clear
That all of the crew standing near
Could hear him fall apart
As he poured out his heart
To the evening's M.C. volunteer:
"I only agreed to perform
In the hope that, out of uniform,
Kathryn watching me might
See me in a new light
And finally her heart I might warm.
But seeing her here with another,
I know that my hopes I should smother.
My love is a sham -
She wants a hologram -
Yet for my heart there can be no other."
Kathryn Janeway stood still in confusion,
Glared at her holographic illusion:
"You said I'd entice
With your expert advice,
Now he's come to a different conclusion."
The Doctor did not hesitate,
He did not stop to deliberate;
He was filled with remorse
And he knew the best course
Was to quickly deactivate.
Janeway stood with her hand on her hip
Which caused her new clothing to rip,
Which in turn made her blush
And her suitor did rush
To immediate championship.
He gathered her into his arms
In order to cover her charms.
She heaved a great sigh
As he whispered, "Oh my...
I haven't heard any alarms."
But just then the spotlights went on -
On the stage, in the wings, like the dawn -
So the whole crew did see
The state of deshabille
Of their protocol-preaching icon.
And when they saw her hiding her face
In Chakotay's protective embrace,
They were quick to applaud
And many were awed
At the captain's talent night showcase.
Kathryn jumped away from him quickly,
Her skin turned a shade rather sickly.
He said, "See - their reaction
Approves our attraction
We are not acting impoliticly."
The Captain gazed at her first mate
And realized it was too late:
She'd have to address
This public caress
After the applause did abate.
She faced her appreciative crew
And said to them "Oh - if I knew
That you had no debate
With my choice of a mate
I would not have had to go through
The ridiculous self denial
That proved to be such a sore trial
As I tried to abstain
Again and again
From succumbing to Chakotay's smile."
Chakotay renewed his embrace
His heart again started to race
His newly found bliss
Confirmed with a kiss
The promise of romance in space.
And so ends this poetic fable
Janeway and Chakotay were able
With this confrontation
Prove her reputation
Was merely a tragic mislabel.