Title: Scaled
Authors: YCD and Cybermum
Rating: [R]
Codes: J/C, a little J/P
Spoilers: "Threshold"
Warnings: Naughty words. Sex with salamanders. Clunker rhymes.
Disclaimers: Ha! None! This is satire and therefore protected under the First Amendment!

SCALED
by Your Cruise Director and Cybermum

There once was a Captain named Kate
Who wouldn't boink with her first mate.
She explained her decision
Was a Star Trek tradition -
Only men in the 'Fleet copulate.

The Powers That Be do dictate
That the only thing that Captain Kate
Should be able to do
(In lieu of a screw)
Is go off somewhere and masturbate.

But this tale is one of fan fiction
And therefore it has no restrictions
Of libidinous thoughts
Or even "the hots"
And other sexual predilections.

When Tom Paris decided to try
Warp 10 in the Delta Quad sky,
He transformed overnight
Into a sad sight
That the Doctor could not rectify.

He'd morphed into quite a reptile
Uglier than a large crocodile
And he wanted a date
With whom he could mate
To take with him into exile.

"Oh Captain" he hissed, "come on hither..."
And she gave him a look that would wither
A toad or a snake
Or even a rake,
But he couldn't resist her cute slither.

Cried Chakotay, "Now Tom you unhand her -
She's mine even when salamander."
He tried talking tough
He tried to be rough
But she still wouldn't "do" the commander.

"Chakotay, now if you invite me
While suggesting that you could delight me
With your animal guide,
I'll say, come on inside,
But if you think I'll shed for you - bite me!"

Janeway's virtue Chakotay assailed
But somehow she couldn't be nailed.
As a matter of fact
She wanted to act -
The problem was how she was scaled.

When he saw that the issue was armor
(Rather than his own failure to charm her)
In the heat of desire,
His phaser did fire,
Which really did wonders to warm her.

Our Kathryn was no prima donna
Especially now she was fauna:
She lowered her guard
He hoist his petard
It was the Night of the Iguana.

And everything would have been bliss
To the final grunt from the first kiss,
If they'd just stopped to shut
The viewscreen by his butt...
A sight none of the crew could now miss!

Tuvok's eyebrows did upwardly raise,
Harry's innocent face was ablaze,
B'Elanna and Doc
And Seven did gawk,
And Paris their technique did appraise...

But Neelix was happy to see
His commanding officers' glee.
So he raided the fridge
And popped onto the bridge
With popcorn and leola root tea.

So the Captain and first mate did screw
Until their faces turned blue,
Demonstrated their passion
In spectacular fashion
In full sight of Voyager's crew.

This description I know is quite graphic,
It might be construed pornographic,
Which is so sad you see
For The Powers That Be
Are not into my own demographic.

So if they can't screw in prime-time
(That might be a Trekkean crime)
We'll just have to make do
With a couplet or two
And let them go at it in rhyme.